is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
