so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
