Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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