how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
