Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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