allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
