She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
