Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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