it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
