Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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