I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
