He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
