So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
