I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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