How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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