Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
