if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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