You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
