i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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