Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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