i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
