i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
