turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
