You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
