I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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