um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
