Soap is not a condiment
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
