This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
