dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
