The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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