So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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