I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
