i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
