After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
