you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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