i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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