He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
