Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
