bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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