Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
