Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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