Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
