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I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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