i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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