Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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