my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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