i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
