every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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