her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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