He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
