ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
