I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
