Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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