I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
