i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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